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The first poem I wrote after
I lost my virginity

and it was supposed to make me
more of a man
and her less of a woman,
but I was too old to see the ignorance
in my lack of age
so I would sneak around you to find
a way into myself as I
tried to be the mistress in our relationship
because I wouldn’t feel right cheating on you

but I spent more time talking about a relationship
rather than having one
but you always tried to make things fall into place
when I felt out of place
going home the next day with rug burns
under my blue jeans
and yesterdays sweat on my T-shirt.

ejaculation is boring
apathetic
it killed my poetry inside your womb
empty life and blood
sweat and semen
it was emotional purging
that dried up too quickly
and left your body stained and cold
after it burned with
the remnants of my passion

and you didn’t see me destroy
myself in front of you
because you kept your eyes closed
the whole time
sexual transgression is only temporary
thoughts coming into themselves
my only explanation-
an introspective bit of knowledge
I thought you were capable of.

lying cynically
talking quietly
it helps me think my way through being
happy and stupid

and I slowly realize changing my past
one person at a time makes my future
that much farther away


Yogesh Chawla

This poem is appearing in the Book
Atlas on Crack

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